I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
You Might Also Like
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
black phone good
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.