Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
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I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
Oh boy, $150,000!
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened