As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
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I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
they finally got him. they got macavity
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt