Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
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My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Why is no one talking about this?!
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.