Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
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[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
I gave up going to work for lent.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.