[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
You Might Also Like
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.