Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
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When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?
13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.
Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.
13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5