Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
You Might Also Like
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.