I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
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Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
This is sending me to another galaxy
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.