My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
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The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
Unimpressed
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
superman landing like a plane on his belly
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall