To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
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People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
Breaking news:
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
According to math, I’m broke
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.