You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
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I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.