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I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
Can’t stop laughing
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?