Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
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[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?