Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
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man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Yup