My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
You Might Also Like
How animals would run if they were human
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
So glad we cleared that up
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.