People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
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[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.