No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
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I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
You learn something every day
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
When can I start eating bats again.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.