me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
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John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Message from the dog groomers
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.