Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
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Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
Breaking news:
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.