Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
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My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
Does this dress make me look cat?
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳