A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
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“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
Me trying to “trust the process”
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]