I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
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Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad