All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
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I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.