Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
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Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.