I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
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I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?