Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
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The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
*struts into the new year
~ trips
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable