her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
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GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
Cashiers are always checking me out
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.