*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
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I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”