I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
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[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.