water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
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I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me: