Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
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No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be