*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
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Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
I want this so bad
Boy never ceases to amaze me
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?