Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
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ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.