[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
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“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.