Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
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“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
what the
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.