Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
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Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”