ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
You Might Also Like
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Why I divorced her.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.