It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
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Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
all that yoga finally paid off
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table