Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
You Might Also Like
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’