employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
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Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.