Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
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Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
When the stylist spins you back around
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.