I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
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Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
Seems a bit forward
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…