Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
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[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.