Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
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Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
pat pat
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.