I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
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Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos