Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
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Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did