Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
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*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
We need more people like this.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy