I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
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Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.