Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
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When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
When I snag the last meatball.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?